Thread:Carnotaur/@comment-35435751-20190114014422

My movie and book reviews

The cash-ins, part 1

Age of Dinosaurs(2013) R AKA Jurassic attack 2.4/10 IMBd

Before I get started with us, I'd like to state that I do feel foolish for watching these movies. However, I do kind of feel a little bit of excitement doing this, because it gives me a chance to laugh and ridicule the horrible films people have tried to make, to cash-in on a much better franchise.

These films can range from OK, to very, very bad. But, this is what makes it exciting. I'm able to see a variety of films from a variety of people. And, no matter how bad these movies are, I always find some enjoyment at the end. Even if I have a very bad taste in my mouth. That may sound like a oxymoron, but trust me I'm a oxymoron, and proud of it!

The adventure we are going to take is going to lead us through the worst, the good, and the ones that I can't really place. Just because the movie is a cash-in, doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. Far from it. The movie Dinosaur island from 2014, has amazing special effects, and beautiful camera work. It actually has some very good highlights. Aside from that everything else is not too great, but you can enjoy it... to an extent. To where you can't stand a British kid, rubbing, and smashing chocolate bars onto his face, while telling us how good it is... Ya, I watched that...

My rambling and constant blabber aside, let's get onto the movie we are going to review today:

The movie is known as Rise of the Dinosaurs, and it may be one of the worst films that I've ever seen. I'll explain. The movie itself, is very generic; complete with special army commandos, cheap CGI dinosaurs, things stolen from Jurassic Park(which I will get to later), and horrid, horrible, acting. The movie follows a group of special Army people, who crash into a crater and find living Dinosaurs... You know like in every other Dinosaur movie! Here they try to survive and try to keep themselves from getting annoyed by an insane Ian Malcolm knock off.

Since I cannot find any history on this movie, which doesn't surprise me, I'm going to dedicate this entire section on what this film stole from other media, such as Jurassic Park. This is common among many films like this, but this may be the most shameful. So with that, let the nightmares begin!!!!!!

THINGS RISE OF THE DINOSAURS STOLE FROM JURASSIC PARK AND OTHER MEDIA

1. About twice in the film, we hear the Tyrannosaurus bellowing the JP T.rex sound effect. This of course is not the only film to do so. 2. The Velociraptors we see are lower-quality CGI versions if the JP3 Raptors! They CAN be sued for this. And as before, this is not the only film; it is the first of three. 3. There is a character in the movie who is a blatant mimic of Ian Malcolm! He even has the same last name! He tries to act smart, but comes across like he is on drugs. 4. Part way through the film, we are shown a shot of what is a CLEARLY copied version of the "Welcome to Jurassic park!", scene, complete with two Brachiosaurus in a lake! I know I'm shouting, but I hate this movie! 5. Finally, the CGI model they use in the film, is again, a lower-quality version of the JP Rex. And again once more, this is not the only one to use the same knock-off animation.

As we can see, this movie is nothing but a thief, and that is why I had to get this from the library. I WILL NOT WASTE MY PRECIOUS MONEY, ON CRAP LIKE THI--

And now a message from Carnotaur's sponsor:

Have you ever gotten tired of those big-budget Dinosaur films? Well, for only $25.99, you can buy Rise of the Dinosaurs, and hardly enjoy it!! With barely ground-breaking special effects, and twists as common as finding a boil on you toenail, Rise of the Dinosaurs will thrill, shock, and increase brain cancer, and the chances of digging our eyes out with spoons! Call 999-256-Dinosaurus, and maybe get it today! Some restrictions may apply.

Now back to your rudely interrupted program--

AND I WILL NOT GIVE THIS THING EVEN A STAR, JUST FOR THAT REASON!!

PLOT Oooooh boy, where do I begin? Well, it's not complicated to explain, but the movie does go all over the place. So, I'll try, and fail to make this sound like a normal review... Even though none of my reviews are normal, since my demented Carnotaurus brain does not allow such a thing.

We start out with Our Ian Malcolm knock-off crashing a airplane into a crater. There, he discovers that the place is full of scary-o-sauruses, and disappears into the long grass to be devoured... Ok, he doesn't, but who wouldn't want him to?!? Then we meet are special army group, who, from what I can remember(Yes, I was so uninterested that I can even remember fully), consisted of the leader, Steakly, some dude who gets a metal pole through his gut, Phoenix, and a group of solders who I know as Bald dude, and Army lady. They go on a mission to save a hostage from a generic drug lord, they save the hostage, and crash land into the crater. There, the they use their pew pews, and fight Dinosaurs... Oh, and they walk. They continue to get picked of By Velociraptors, and meet the long-lost Malcolm, who has eating too many shrooms, and has spent way too long in front of Triceratops nests. He waves his hands around dramatically about 200 times during the movie, and tries to act smart, but is clearly mentally disturbed. He tells them that the only way out is through "Death valley", and it is vewy, vewy dangewous, and that they are foolish to enter! So they don't follow what he said(Which I'm pretty sure was a smart idea), and they head toward death valley! Dun dun dunnn!!!! And to cap it all of, we get three main characters killed off, and they shoot at Dinosaurs, and they fly away in a helicop-excuse me. I meant, The super-duper-army-copter!!

MY FAVORITE SCENE

Let's make this quick: I don't. The scene where Malcolm is eaten, is actually nice, because you get to see the ding-bat get killed. But he makes this STUPID face, and it takes the fun away...

VERDICT This film is bad. There is no other word. Not outrageously horrible, but just really bad. I thought maybe a star would be fine, but I ended up with only half of one. So with that, I give this film 1/2 a star out of 5.

NEXT UP: Poseidon rex(2013)!... No... No way... NO... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! 