Prologue[]
As you are all well aware by now, Sir Christopher Cornelius Bootleggeth DCLXVI is a legendary ̶b̶u̶m̶-̶a̶s̶s̶ f̶r̶a̶u̶d̶ hero of the people of Southwest Denver, which, together with the renowned serial k̶i̶l̶l̶e̶r̶ kisser with a body count of 320499343709248540250004952145640389254634530908, the Australian Kelpie known as Sir Frederick Treecummer Duckus XIX, serves as the benevolent ̶t̶o̶t̶a̶l̶i̶t̶a̶r̶i̶a̶n̶ ̶d̶i̶c̶t̶a̶t̶o̶r̶ freedom-loving elected governor of. Since he was but a young midget snake, he had always dreamed of conquering the Terraformed Gas Giant of Unfriendly Almond Joys, yet now that he had done just that and partook in 26 volumes full of totally real acts of heroism that he was definitely the perpetrator of, all he could think about was going on another adventure.
One night, while sitting atop his throne in the Southwest Denver Palace, he was visited by a weird guy with a Scorpius Rex mask. The man, who called himself the "Masked Mercenary" Blood Mastiff Thugruphus Nole of the Ruthless Null of Thugrufus Noal of Thugruphis Noul of the Gyatt Hotel in Shenzhen, Guangdong Province in China, revealed that he had a gift for the chivalrous Hognose Pit Viper and his completely innocent Australian Kelpie. He pulled out a small parcel, and handed it to Sir Christopher. He then told him to open it within 4 meters of Sir Frederick. Sir Christopher agreed, and just like that, the masked man vanished, leaving only the smell of the Gyatt Hotel lingering in the throne room.
At that moment, Sir Frederick entered the throne room, and proceeded to blissfully tell his best friend of all of his exploits, and that his body count had increased to 420499343709248540250004952145640389254634530908. Sir Christopher promptly opened the parcel, not knowing that the throne room had once again been entered, this time by a small meatball child (who, if you'll remember from his very first adventure, would've once hailed from the Organic Sea of ... uh ... Meatballs from IKEA) armed with Sir Frederick's own phallic prison shank. The parcel immediately caused a blinding light to flash the entire Southwest Denver, and when it was gone, they had disappeared. In their places were a goofy-lookin' guy wearing a straw hat on his raven-haired head, a green-haired man with three sheathed swords and a scar over one of his eyes, and a woman (NO WAY!!!) with orange hair and a short, odd looking bo staff with a face on it, all of whom looked very confused.
Chapter I: The Barrel Adrift at Sea and the One-in-a-Kirbillion Encounter[]
Wait, they're really gone? OH THANK FUCK-wait what do you mean I still have to keep narrating them? Fine, but don't expect me to keep dickriding them.
Sir Christopher's fraud ass quickly woke up, and he realized that he was inside a barrel. Better yet, he was trapped in the same barrel as Sir Frederick and the meatball child, both of whom were still asleep. As if this wasn't enough, they were adrift at sea, where the air was oddly thin.
"What the blazes was that?!" screamed the Hognose Pit Viper, with his forked tongue angrily flickering throughout what little space they had. "Once we get out of here, that masked mercenary will suffer! Mark my words, boy! THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!"
His sleep disturbed by Sir Christopher's ramblings, Sir Frederick groggily opened his eyes, and instinctively reached for his phallic prison shank so as to kill the first thing he saw, only to find it wasn't on his person. Frantically, he started searching for it, only to find it in the hand of the meatball child. He snatched it back and prepared to kill everyone in the barrel, but he was interrupted when the barrel was suddenly lifted into the air.
Meanwhile, back at the Southwest Denver Palace, the trio that had replaced the two tyrannical beings and the unfortunate meatball child were examining their surroundings, confused at what the hell even happened.
Except for the straw hat man.
"Luffy, what the hell are you doing?!" screamed the woman with orange hair, visibly angry at this "Luffy"'s antics.
Speaking of, Luffy was punching the walls of the throne room. Peculiarly, he was a good distance away from the walls. His arm, as a matter of fact, was stretching like rubber.
"Guys, there's a door right here! There's no need to break the walls!"
This caught the attention of the two men. Luffy stopped punching the walls and made his way to the door. The green-haired man attempted to do the same, but found himself walking in the exact opposite direction of the door. The woman facepalmed, walked over to the green-haired man and dragged him over to the door with one hand.
After that, Luffy piped up once more, a stupid grin on his face. "D'you think there's a whole bunch of meat on the other side?!"
"Meh, I'd rather have some booze right now." said the green-haired man. Upon hearing this, the woman angrily raised her fist, intending to hit her two companions across the head, when the door opened. The trio all looked at the figure standing in the doorway, with the green-haired man instinctively gripping one of his swords.
Howevever, the being standing before them was a plain-looking, middle-aged man. He wore very formal attire, consisting of an unbuttoned suit jacket with a plain black shirt underneath, as well as a pair of blue jeans. His face was quite meek, though his eyes were covered with sunglasses, hiding their green coloring and giving off a slight air of mystery. He also bore a mustache that was neither small nor large, neither bushy nor wispy. Generally, he reminded one of a friendly neighbor, one that everyone knew as well as he knew them, a pleasant and charismatic presence that lit up any room he entered.
The man walked closer to them, removing his sunglasses along the way, and extended his hand to the trio. "Paul Kirby, he spoke. "Kirby Techsystems and Dynamics." He spoke with an inviting smile on his face, and in a tone as warm and pleasant as his appearance. He himself seemed unfazed by the strange appearances of the people standing before him,
For whatever reason, Luffy and his two friends were drawn in by this Paul Kirby. All of them were usually quite extreme in their very beings, at first glance seeming more like characters than actual people. Yet upon meeting Paul Kirby of Kirby Techsystems and Dynamics, that all seemed to go away, if only at first. Because of this, Luffy found himself excitedly shaking Paul Kirby's hand.
"I'm Luffy! I'm the man who will become King of the Pirates!" declared the rubber man. He and Paul Kirby smiled at each other, before the green-haired swordsman stepped up. Noticing this, Paul Kirby turned towards him, casually extending his hand again, without even a sign of intimidation regarding the muscular, serious-looking man with a scar over one of his eyes.
The swordsman, however, had a strange feeling about the businessman. Between the warm, almost disingenuous smile and the green eyes that he suspected contained intentions more dangerous than friendly, he couldn't help but feel as if Mr. Kirby wasn't who he seemed. Regardless, he gave in and politely shook the hand of the man who was of Kirby Techsystems and Dynamics. In his usual gruff and serious voice, he said "Roronoa Zoro."
Paul Kirby grinned and responded "It's a pleasure to meet you, Zoro." before turning to face the orange-haired woman. Like Zoro, she had her suspicions about this strange man, but ultimately, his charisma, similar to the people back at Cocoyashi Village, overpowered them, and she found herself shaking Paul Kirby's hand as well. "My name's Nami. It's nice to meet you."
After shaking Nami's hand, Paul Kirby stepped back. His eyes narrowed a bit as he studied each member of the trio, though his smile was as warm as ever. "You all seem concerned with something. What's wrong?"
Nami was about to speak up and explain what had happened, but she was interrupted when Luffy piped up. "I'm hungry! D'you have any meat on you, mustache guy?"
Paul Kirby was unfazed by this question, and he simply smiled and responded politely, "No, not on my person." This was a surprise for Zoro and Nami, as any normal person would at least be taken aback by Luffy's inquiry. Whoever Mr. Kirby was, he certainly was not normal.
"Ignore him. He's always hungry," Nami sighed, "and besides, we have a lot to explain." Paul Kirby of Kirby Techsystems and Dynamics listened intently as Nami explained how they had suddenly been transported here from an island known as "Elbaph", while Luffy occasionally chimed in to mention completely insignificant details that they had come across (such as the bar in Mock Town with the terrible cherry pies) and Zoro rarely mentioning something about quality alcohol and swords. When Nami was done, his smile turned into a grin. "Well, it seems to me you've had quite the journey. I certainly didn't know you guys were pirates..." His grin faded away, leaving in its wake a slight frown as Mr. Kirby silently pondered something known only to him. This change in expression did not go unnoticed by the trio, and Luffy, confused at seeing the mustache guy doing something other than smile, piped up again.
"Hey, mustache guy, Why d'you look so sad now?"
That got Paul Kirby's attention, and he quickly smiled again. "Sorry about that, I was just...thinking..."
"You don't have a problem with us being pirates, do you, Mr. Kirby?" Nami questioned, a hint of unease in her voice. Behind her, Zoro slowly started moving his hand towards his swords, staring intently at the businessman.
Mr. Kirby shook his head. "Not at all! I was just thinking about my son. He LOVED pirates when he was younger, but he switched to dinosaurs when he got older, and he still loves them to this day! If he's survived this long, at least..." He added that last part under his breath, though Zoro, whose gaze hadn't yet broken from the man who owned Kirby Techsystems and Dynamics, heard it and raised an eyebrow.
"What was that about your son, Kirby?" Zoro said. This got Luffy and Nami's attention as well, but even with all three adventurers watching him and worrying about the swordsman having heard his soft remark, Paul Kirby retained his calm, pleasant demeanor, and responded accordingly.
"As I said, he used to love pirates, but now he's into dinosaurs. You might need your hearing checked, Zoro." Luffy and Nami eased up, with the latter shooting a somewhat stern look at Zoro, but the green-haired man's expression remained unchanged, clearly unsatisfied by that answer. "I can tell you more about him, but first, I have a proposition for you three."
"Ooooh, those are fun! Is it meat?! Or a bronze statue?!"
"Why would it be either of those?!"
Paul Kirby chuckled. "Actually, Luffy, that first one is, to an extent, correct. I'd like the three of you to have dinner with my wife and I. Our treat."
Paul's smile grew slightly wider as he watched the trio's immediate reactions to his proposal, which ranged from excitedly bouncing around and laughing in an odd manner, raising an eyebrow in stoic curiosity, and grinning in restrained enthusiasm. While it was certainly odd that Sir Christopher Cornelius Bootleggeth DCLXVI was nowhere to be seen at the moment, the three otherworldly pirates before Mr. Kirby seemed to be much easier to befriend than the sapient hognose pit viper. Sure, Zoro didn't seem to fully trust him, given his general demeanor and the question about his son, but Nami and especially Luffy seemed much more affable. They also seemed to be quite strong, if their journey in the so-called "Land of Gods" was anything to go by. If they actually agreed to join him and Amanda for dinner, they would be one step closer to rescuing Eric from the hellhole he was in...
"Hey, mustache guy! You look sad again! Are you doing more thinking?"
The individual of Kirby Techsystems and Dynamics snapped out of his thoughts and blinked at the sound of Luffy's voice. The rubber man was staring at him with his trademark cheerful grin, while Zoro and Nami looked suspicious and concerned respectively. After taking a moment to process the question, he cordially answered, "Yes, I was."
"Shishishishi!" Luffy let out his strange laugh again, grinning widely throughout, "Thinking makes my head hurt! That's why I don't like doing it!"
On the inside, Paul was slightly startled by what Luffy said, yet he found himself somewhat drawn in by the straw hat boy's odd charisma. On the outside, though, Mr. Kirby merely chuckled at the response, before sticking out his hand. "So," he started, "are you in?"
Luffy once again laughed, before suddenly clutching Paul's hand with both of his own and shaking it with more than enough force to rip any inferior being's arm off. "Of course I am!"
Eventually, Luffy let go of Mr. Kirby's hand, allowing him to focus his gaze on the other two pirates. While Nami quickly shook his hand and said "I'm in", Zoro didn't move a muscle, still cautiously eyeing Paul, which Luffy immediately noticed.
"Aw, come on, Zoro! I bet there'll be plenty of booze where he's taking us!"
While Zoro was slightly tempted by the promise of alcoholic drinks, a part of him knew better than to accept Paul Kirby's offer, especially given his secretive behavior when they reached the topic of his son. In addition, while he didn't know what "Techsystems" and "Dynamics" were, he didn't particularly like the sound of either of those words. However, Luffy seemed to harbor some sort of trust towards Mr. Kirby, which was enough to sway him. So he reluctantly walked up to the odd man with the mustache and green eyes, shook his hand, and grumbled "I'm in".
"Excellent, now follow me." Paul Kirby adjusted his suit jacket before walking out of the room, followed by the first three members of the Straw Hat Pirates, who were unaware of the perilous journey that was to come in a matter of days.
Chapter II: The Razing of the East Blue and Dinner with the Kirbys[]
WIP